A week ago at this very moment, I was checking out of my hotel. A week has passed and I have needed it to process how I feel about everything.
I think that this week has affirmed a lot of feelings that I have towards him as well as brought us closer a little bit.
I got to see his family, his room, all of the things he made in shop class in high school. There were racing posters all over his walls. The room looks like he hadn’t ever touched it since he left home for college.
We went downstairs and he played his piano and his guitar. He is even better in person than in the recordings. His mother and I watched and talked about him for a couple minutes as he played.
We went to dinner and we talked about his boyfriend. I really got the sense that he really likes him and that made me feel a little more at peace. We went to a local brew pub later and had a couple drinks and then drove around town for a while. He showed me his high school and the parking lot that he would sit in and get high at night when he was in high school. We just drove around for a few hours looking at all of the different sights before he dropped me off at my hotel.
The next day was the day I left. He met me at my hotel. His hair wasn’t done in the usual sexy way, just toweld dried from the shower. He seemed a little sad. We both were. We went to a little shopping plaza and just walked around for a while. We were not our usual goofy selves.
We got lunch and then made our way to the airport. We had time to kill. We were parking at the airport and his boyfriend called. The speaker was turned up loud enough so I could hear his voice. He now felt real.
We went inside, both not saying much. We made the way to the gate and said our goodbyes. I hugged him and then watched as he walked away. He turned back twice and waved a bit before he was gone.
I made my way through security and got a soda for the flight. I sat waiting to board and needed to talk to someone. I called my mom. She asked why I was sad. I told her that I didn’t want to leave and I started crying. She told me that I was young and that I should do whatever makes me happy. For once she had something helpful to say.
I cried most of the flight home. All I could think about was how much I cared about him and how much I wished I could tell him. I was also thinking how much I wanted to kiss him and just hold him or lie in bed with him. At this point I knew that that is never going to be possible, which made it that much worse.
I think he sensed what I was feeling and maybe felt bad or maybe wished I would address it. Maybe he felt at least some of the same things to some degree. Either way, he was different then.
I have had a week to think about everything. What I have come away with thus far is that I love him and care about him deeply. I want him to be happy. I want to be the best friend I can be for him and I want to be special to him on some level.
This trip was good for me. I don’t regret anything. I had a great time and I loved seeing where he comes from and what he was like before I knew him. I hope I get to go visit him again soon.
