Posts Tagged ‘Love’

  • Always Second Best

    By coverthomo

    5 comments

    I am so tired of being second best. It is really starting to wear me out. I am tired of being that guy that everyone is friendly with but has no personal, close attachment to anyone.

    I go out and have a good time with my friends and sometimes my family but at the end of the night, I am the one who goes home alone. Everyone has that closest best friend or relationship with someone that no matter what, I can never be a part of in the same way.

    I want someone to call at night before bed to wish them sweet dreams. I want the random “I’m thinking about you” texts during the day. I want someone to feel happy and safe when I walk into the room because they know that I’m there. I don’t just want to be “that nice kid.” I don’t want that awkward feeling when I send a someone a message and they say they are with their other half.  I want to be IT for someone. To this day, I have never looked someone in the eye and told them I loved them or had them tell me.

    Tony and I had a strong relationship like that for a while but now he has a boyfriend. My best friend and I are close, but he has girls hanging all over him all the time. While both of these guys mean a lot to me, I will never mean to them what they mean to me and there is nothing I can do about it.

    Sometimes I feel socially retarded. I have a few friends who I value a lot but I am just so tired of not having a close, intimate relationship with anyone. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Everyone thinks I am a great guy and all of that, but for some reason, here I sit alone on the couch at the end of every night.

    At first, I started thinking that I must be needy wanting all of these things but then I shot that theory down. While I want these things for myself, I really just want to make someone happy in every way I can. My heart is in the right place. What I want is so simple, but means so much to me that I am just about fed up with it. Something needs to change. I’m done.

    Posted on March 4, 2010 to:

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  • My Awesome Weekend

    By coverthomo

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    This weekend, my best friend from high school came into the city and I had a blast. It was a much needed break from life and my busy schedule.

    He came in Friday evening. We walked around the city for a while and just hung out and talked. We had a couple of drinks at a bar. It was a good time. He asked me what I found physically attracted about him. That was slightly awkward but I told him and he seems really comfortable around me which is really nice. He knows that I think he is attractive.

    The next evening we went out and he told me that he felt I was holding things back from him and that he knows I trust him and that he was always there to talk. The night went on, we had some more drinks at the place I always go. I am friends with the manager and the staff there so there were lots of drinks all around. I never get drunk. It is not like me at all. But that night I did. On the way back to my place, I just flat out told him about Tony and how I had told him I loved him and how that didn’t go over so well. We made it back to my place and we were both sitting on the couch and I just spilled everything I felt. He kept telling me I was his best friend and everything was going to be okay and other things. He was so sweet. I ended up almost in his arms. He was holding my hand and I just kept going on and tearing up.

    I needed to do that for so long and I need to open up more often. I guess I have a problem being comfortable enough around people to tell them all of this in person rather than online. It was amazing. I feel like a load was taken off of my shoulders.

    He is an amazing guy. I am so lucky to have him as a friend. I am planning something special for him coming up so if all goes well with that I will let you know. Until then, I am going to continue as usual. I feel a lot better and I am planning some things for Spring Break and taking some time off. Right now I feel excited and I feel light and somewhat carefree. I am going to enjoy it while I can.

    Posted on February 1, 2010 to:

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  • The Straight Best Friend

    By coverthomo

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    Lately, I have had a couple of conversations about my best friend and the dynamics of of the gay man/straight man “best friendship.”

    Let me provide you with my story. My best friend was the first person that I came out to. We both went to high school together and had several classes together. He was your typical jock back then. He was on the soccer team and was the star of the track team. He had a very cute girlfriend who he was truly in love with. I was more of the quiet guy who wasn’t really popular and never really spend much time around school after hours.

    I came out to him one day over instant message during our freshman year of college. He was the first person I told and my heart was racing, I was sweating as I typed in that message. After I hit that send button there was nothing that I could but sit in anticipation. This was his message in response:

    “thats perfectly fine with me dude.. to each his own…. there is nothing wrong with that or how you want to live your life.. if anything ur prolly the smart one.. u dont wanna live with a woman trust me haha.. but yeah dude, ur a good guy, and i respect that u were able to tell me that too. its takes a lot of courage… it takes a lot of guts to tell people something like that… some people care about these things and are weirded out by it, but i respect u and i appreciate the friendship that we have… if this is how u feel there is nothing i can do about it.. I accept you for you”

    I don’t think there is anything more that he could have said to put me at ease. I felt so relieved, so grateful.

    Today, we are still great friends. We often talk with each other about life how old we are getting. When we were kids, we always talked about how we were both going to be successful when we got out of our small towns and now we look back at that and laugh because we are part of the few that did get out and are making something of ourselves. He always comes to me seeking relationship advice which I am always happy to give. We have been making more and more of an effort to hang out together when we can. I am planning on having him over for a weekend in a couple weeks. We don’t talk much about my being gay which frankly, is fine by me. Him seeing me as much more than that is just what I wanted. I feel comfortable talking with him though. Recently when I was going through a rough time, he sensed something was wrong and we were able to talk about it. He truly is a great friend and I am honored to have him in my life.

    I know that coming out to a straight friend may not always go as well as it did for me. Do you have a straight best or close friend? How did he react when you told him you were gay? Are you still close? Let me know in the comments.

    Posted on January 19, 2010 to:

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  • Coming Out To The Parents

    By coverthomo

    3 comments

    This Thanksgiving weekend has been a rather interesting one. My family had a nice dinner at my aunts house. It was good to see all of the family. I hope all of you readers enjoyed your day as well.

    Recently, I have been getting the sense that everyone knows about me being gay and that me pretending it is a secret is just a big joke. Now, I am not the flamboyant type, and I tend to keep to myself so the obvious signs that people look for are probably not so obvious. I have never had a girlfriend or really showed any interest in women at all. So one could certainly speculate in that regard.

    I think the time is coming closer for me to start telling more people. I have been thinking about the best ways to tell my parents. I don’t suppose there is a good way to tell your parents that you are gay. My father tends to overreact to any ‘big’ news and my mother is so ignorant about these sorts of things and she will probably be the one that falls for all of the stereotypes.

    My mother is an interesting woman. She really has had a tough life. She lost both of her parents at a relatively young age and she really struggles with alcoholism. I love my mother, I really do, but she is also very unintelligent. All of these things are going to be difficult to maneuver when I decide to tell her.

    I need to tell my parents and the rest of my family at some point. It is really what is holding me back from being completely open about it. I really can’t keep putting it off. I am completely independent of them which is comforting to know in a worst case scenario situation. The holidays are probably not the best time to tell them as I am sure there is going to be overwhelming amounts of stress anyway.

    On another note, I am going to go hang out with Anthony this week and we are going to watch Glee and maybe get some takeout or something. I am sure that we are going to have a good time. I am really looking forward to going and just being myself. I will keep you all updated.

    Posted on November 30, 2009 to:

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  • I’m a New Man and I’m Back

    By coverthomo

    1 comment

    Today marks one month since I came home from visiting Tony. I must apologize that I haven’t posted much since my return. It’s been a really tough month and I simply didn’t feel up to it. But, things have changed and I am back.

    This weekend I told Tony that I was in love with him. He said he knew and that was about it. It felt good to get it out. We talked later and had a really productive conversation with him. I told him that I need some time alone to think things through. He said he understood.

    So I am taking a little break. This is what Anthony has been telling me to do

    Posted on November 25, 2009 to:

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  • What I Learned From My Trip

    By coverthomo

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    A week ago at this very moment, I was checking out of my hotel. A week has passed and I have needed it to process how I feel about everything.

    I think that this week has affirmed a lot of feelings that I have towards him as well as brought us closer a little bit.

    I got to see his family, his room, all of the things he made in shop class in high school. There were racing posters all over his walls. The room looks like he hadn’t ever touched it since he left home for college.

    We went downstairs and he played his piano and his guitar. He is even better in person than in the recordings. His mother and I watched and talked about him for a couple minutes as he played.

    We went to dinner and we talked about his boyfriend. I really got the sense that he really likes him and that made me feel a little more at peace. We went to a local brew pub later and had a couple drinks and then drove around town for a while. He showed me his high school and the parking lot that he would sit in and get high at night when he was in high school. We just drove around for a few hours looking at all of the different sights before he dropped me off at my hotel.

    The next day was the day I left. He met me at my hotel. His hair wasn’t done in the usual sexy way, just toweld dried from the shower. He seemed a little sad. We both were. We went to a little shopping plaza and just walked around for a while. We were not our usual goofy selves.

    We got lunch and then made our way to the airport. We had time to kill. We were parking at the airport and his boyfriend called. The speaker was turned up loud enough so I could hear his voice. He now felt real.

    We went inside, both not saying much. We made the way to the gate and said our goodbyes. I hugged him and then watched as he walked away. He turned back twice and waved a bit before he was gone.

    I made my way through security and got a soda for the flight. I sat waiting to board and needed to talk to someone. I called my mom. She asked why I was sad. I told her that I didn’t want to leave and I started crying. She told me that I was young and that I should do whatever makes me happy. For once she had something helpful to say.

    I cried most of the flight home. All I could think about was how much I cared about him and how much I wished I could tell him. I was also thinking how much I wanted to kiss him and just hold him or lie in bed with him. At this point I knew that that is never going to be possible, which made it that much worse.

    I think he sensed what I was feeling and maybe felt bad or maybe wished I would address it. Maybe he felt at least some of the same things to some degree. Either way, he was different then.

    I have had a week to think about everything. What I have come away with thus far is that I love him and care about him deeply. I want him to be happy. I want to be the best friend I can be for him and I want to be special to him on some level.

    This trip was good for me. I don’t regret anything. I had a great time and I loved seeing where he comes from and what he was like before I knew him. I hope I get to go visit him again soon.

    Posted on November 1, 2009 to:

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  • The Eve of My Travel

    By coverthomo

    1 comment

    flySo tomorrow afternoon I will be heading out to visit Tony. I am excited about the trip. I have never spent that much time in that part of the country and I love flying.

    I guess I am second guessing myself on what I want to talk to him about this weekend. Maybe I am just nervous. I do really want to have a good heart to heart with him about where we stand and to tell him that I am okay with him seeing guys and he doesn’t have to hide it from me.

    I get in late tomorrow night so we are probably just going to get drinks and hang out. Maybe I will get to chat with him at the hotel later.

    I am going to be updating the blog over the weekend and will be tweeting. Wish me luck.

    Posted on October 22, 2009 to:

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  • Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up

    By coverthomo

    3 comments

    letgoI wanted to pass this along to everyone. It’s something that I read on JoesphRanseth.com. The original author is unknown.

    To “Let Go” Takes Love
    To “Let Go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
    To “Let Go” is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I can’t control others.
    To “Let Go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
    To “Let Go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
    To “Let Go” is not to try to change or blame another, it is to make the most of myself.
    To “Let Go” is not to care for, but to care about.
    To “Let Go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
    To “Let Go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
    To “Let Go” is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
    To “Let Go” is not to deny, but to accept.
    To “Let Go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
    To “Let Go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.
    To “Let Go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
    To “Let Go” is to not regret the past but to grow and to live for the future.
    To “Let Go” is to fear less and to love more.

    After reading this and admittedly almost coming to tears, I realized what I need to start letting go of in my life and how its not a bad thing, but necessary to grow be myself. I need to gather the strength and just start letting go.

    I hope someone out there finds this as helpful as I have.

    Posted on October 19, 2009 to:

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  • Glee-My New Guilty Pleasure

    By coverthomo

    1 comment

    This summer, I watched the pilot episode of Glee. I was instantly, and shockingly hooked to this show. The idea is that this teacher in a high school wants to take over the Glee Club at the school he teaches at. The story follows the story of all of the students that he can get to join the club as well as his own.

    The actors fit the parts very well. My favorite character, Finn is certainly easy on the eyes. There is a scene in the pilot episode with him singing in the shower that shows off his talent. Listen to him talk about the show here.

    The Club has sang covered some songs that I have downloaded from iTunes where you can also download the episodes in HD.

    They just aired their second show this week on Fox. It airs Wednesdays at 9PM EST.

    Of course, this show must have a huge gay following. One girl in the show has two dads, and there have been several other times when they mention gay people in particular how these expecting parents mentioned that their child may be gay in a happy tone. I thought that this was interesting. It will be interesting to see where things go in terms of the development of this theme. Maybe my crush, Finn will go both ways or something. (Wishful thinking, I know.)

    Anthony and I both watched it this week and then chatted online about how much we loved it. His favorite character is Mercedes who plays the soul singer/ diva in the club. He suggested that I write a post about it.

    So everyone, watch the show. It is a little campy but the script is awesome and the characters are well developed. It is worth a watch.

    Posted on September 12, 2009 to:

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  • Conservative Politicians at it Again

    By coverthomo

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    This is the very reason why I love Craig Ferguson so much. He just says it as it is. I am so tired of these family values politicians that are all for traditional marriages and deny my rights but yet they are having multiple affairs to their own marriage.

    Posted on September 12, 2009 to:

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