I am so tired of being second best. It is really starting to wear me out. I am tired of being that guy that everyone is friendly with but has no personal, close attachment to anyone.
I go out and have a good time with my friends and sometimes my family but at the end of the night, I am the one who goes home alone. Everyone has that closest best friend or relationship with someone that no matter what, I can never be a part of in the same way.
I want someone to call at night before bed to wish them sweet dreams. I want the random “I’m thinking about you” texts during the day. I want someone to feel happy and safe when I walk into the room because they know that I’m there. I don’t just want to be “that nice kid.” I don’t want that awkward feeling when I send a someone a message and they say they are with their other half. I want to be IT for someone. To this day, I have never looked someone in the eye and told them I loved them or had them tell me.
Tony and I had a strong relationship like that for a while but now he has a boyfriend. My best friend and I are close, but he has girls hanging all over him all the time. While both of these guys mean a lot to me, I will never mean to them what they mean to me and there is nothing I can do about it.
Sometimes I feel socially retarded. I have a few friends who I value a lot but I am just so tired of not having a close, intimate relationship with anyone. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Everyone thinks I am a great guy and all of that, but for some reason, here I sit alone on the couch at the end of every night.
At first, I started thinking that I must be needy wanting all of these things but then I shot that theory down. While I want these things for myself, I really just want to make someone happy in every way I can. My heart is in the right place. What I want is so simple, but means so much to me that I am just about fed up with it. Something needs to change. I’m done.
